Chemo #4! (Cycle 2b, day 1&2)

I have been a bad blogger, I know thisb as I have not updated since my last treatment. I have had to deal with a lot in these last two weeks, ironically only a small percentage being cancer related. I am under a great amount of stress in so many different aspects of my life and I'M TIRED. Tired of worry, tired of being pulled in 100 directions, and tired of being sick.
Let me talk a little bit about dealing with the side effects regarding my last treatment though. I noticed all of the same symptoms with chemo number 3 as I did with the others. Mouth sores are the main culprit of any post chemo pain and discomfort...by a long shot. I had the usual nausea, muscle pain, potty issues,  and lack of energy. I did notice, however that my ability to cope with these side effects had gotten greater...I knew how to deal with these problems better, and I tried to keep myself in a "fighter" state of mind often reminding myself that Yes, this too shall pass, and that I got this...THIS is only temporary...I see how others have fought it and won, and damnit, that's what I'm planning on doing too. I got this.
Onto yesterday's treatment...chemo number 4, or end of cycle 2...whichever way you look at it. I did not see the oncologist, and went straight to the infusion center for all of my pre infusion blood work, etc...my BP was still way too high for me, I GAINED a pound, and my blood counts were really low, but not low enough to delay treatment. I felt like regular me going into the treatment, but started to feel really bad in the middle of the infusion...blurry vision, irritability, and awful stomach cramps. I couldn't get over how sick I felt...nurse was super attentive and a real sweetheart. I had Janki take care of me once before, and my face lit up when I saw that it was her doing my treatment yesterday which made her feel really good I think, because the smile never left her face. I swear, this woman must be an angel, as most of the staff are at Markey Cancer Center...she just happens to be my favorite so far :). Right now I have to focus on moving this weekend, hoping to God that my body holds up...PET scan still on for the 17th, and I'm so nervous for that...just hoping to see me beating the crap out of cancer...let's hope!!

Yesterday was good! (Chemo 2a, days 1&2)

So yesterday was chemo number 3, or the beginning of round two, however you may look at it. It went...okay! It was my 33rd birthday, and I have had a really really rough time lately dealing with the mucousitis. I haven't been able to eat much anything solid going on 5 days now and the pain was starting to get to me psychologically. Big time. But today, I have not had a Vicodin in 17 odd hours and I still can't eat solid food, but I'm thinking the steroids I am given pre chemo helped me yesterday and today? I'm not sure, but I'll take it for whatever it's worth! I can honestly say that I had a pretty decent birthday even! :) 

My oncologist really gets on my nerves with his lack of bedside manner. He had a resident come in and do an examination on me regarding the awful mouth sores I have because he wanted to see if an antiviral medication was needed (it was)...he told me I would only see him every four weeks now and that on the alternating weeks where I got chemo but didn't see him, I would have my blood counts checked at the infusion center.  My blood counts were low yesterday, but okay and chemo went fairly smoothly except for the fact that I was exhausted and HIGhLY irritable and was dreading the fact that I had ANOTHER appointment with my general practitioner after chemo was done, but thankfully her office is in same hospital as the cancer center so it all worked out pretty well. At that appointment, she had me talk to a fourth year med student before she came in, he examined my lymph nodes and scared me by saying that he felt a "significant difference between the right and left side" grrr! My own oncologist won't even feel them because we both physically can tell the difference in appearance in my neck, chest, and armpit. I have a PET scan scheduled for Febuaray 17th to see how the cancer is responding to treatment. He is hoping to see significant improvement to no evidence of disease...(but will have to continue with the scheduled treatment no matter how good it looks...just the way it is...by then I'll have 8 chemo's left to do and my 5 weeks of radiation still) I am so nervous but optimistic of seeing at least improvement on this upcoming scan because of what is physically noticeable. I just want to continue on with the rest of my treatment knowing that it's working and that I am kicking this cancer in the ass! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I feel like I have already been through so much...I can't imagine what it'll be like for me to learn that we may have to try something different if this chemotherapy isn't working. It's a scary thought I don't like thinking! 

I was prescribed more medication yesterday for potassium, sleep, my muscle spasms, ,(due to my CP, not my HL) and my antiviral medication...this is all on top of the pain meds, magic mouthwash, anti nausea meds, vitamin d, and the regular OTC stuff I take. It's hard to keep straight, but I'm thinking of investing in a pill case like my grandma uses that has different compartments for different times of the day. 

I'll do what I have to do for as long as I have to do it! 

I was feeling pretty bad here, but was keeping on keeping on! My hoodie (given to me by a survivor) says "fight like a girl" I love it!!

The swelling in my face and neck (and chest and armpit) are gone! Bite me, mr med student...my pet scan is going to be beautiful!

Feeling feelings (chemo 1b, day 23)

My hair is gone. Even though I knew it was coming and inevitable, I'm sad tonight that it's gone. I look in the mirror and no longer recognize the face looking back at me...my fun hair is gone, my piercings are gone, my body is changing, and it's all because of cancer. Even though I say that it does not define who I am or control my life, if I'm being truthful...it has. I am reminded constantly that cancer has entered my life, and I'm pissed off. It's not fair and I want it gone and far away from me. 

I'll get over this, I know...my hair will grow back, and one day I hope to live cancer free. My wish is to take what this has taught me about appreciating life and the people in it and to help someone else going through it too....tonight it's just hard to see the end of this bad dream but I know it's coming. It will.

Staying strong? (Chemo 1b, day 23)

Today I'm going to rant. I'm sick of this crap already only two treatments in. I have zero appetite, my muscles hurt (pain like I've never had before...even with my issues regarding my CP), nausea, and mouth sores...I have emotional issues where I'm either an irritable ball of nerves or I'm weeping over silly stuff that normally wouldn't have phased my world. My hair is falling out to the point where my hair is so thin that you can see my scalp in places and I'm getting ready to shave it down to nothing even though I'm nervous about how I'm going to feel being bald. My body is feeling the chemo this time, that's for sure.

 Even though I know intentions are well meaning, Today I'm pissed off that I hear "stay strong" ...Stay strong you say? What does staying strong look like? I'm doing what I have to do and what most people would do in my position at my age...you keep going. I go to my treatments, deal with side effects,  and attempt to live my life as normally as I am able to. But who wouldn't?! I have days where I'm so scared and frightened about not yet being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and then I have days where I feel like I can kick this cancer crap with no problem. I'm the girl who would never take antibiotics and now I'm willingly getting chemotherapy treatment knowing very well what kind of drugs are entering my body. I do not feel strong nor do I feel awesome...I'm just doing what I have to do to be able to live out my life. It sucks, but this was in my cards and I'm playing out my hand sometimes showing my best poker face, sometimes not...I'm just me. ...dealing with cancer and some days are easier than others and some situations suck more than others...it's the way it is and I'm doing the best I can-for whatever it may be worth.

Exhaustion (Chemo 1b, day 18)

I am exhausted. Every physical task I take on seems daunting...and even just talking seems like an extraordinary task. It's 3 days post chemo...my stomach hurts, my eyelids are heavy, my mouth feels like I'm chewing on razor blades, and I'm far too emotional for my liking. Even though I seem to be doing better with this treatment, it is so hard for me to cope on days like today..where I actually "feel sick", and not like myself. I hate needing someone to help me do things that I've always done for myself. I hate being grumpy or short tempered...basically, I hate chemo and I hate cancer for making me feel this way today. 

Another treatment done! (Chemo 1b, day 16)

 Update on yesterday:  Well, another treatment of ABVD bites the dust and I've officially completed one round of chemotherapy, leaving me with 5 more rounds and 10 treatments. They almost didn't do the treatment yesterday right away because of my blood counts were super low and said I just barely slipped by without needing a blood transfusion because of my hemoglobin count (I think)...my potassium count was almost nonexistent too, so I got lectured on that and the importance of potassium rich foods in my diet, so more banannas for me! I also lost a lot of weight which they weren't thrilled about, but whatever...I really am eating when I can the best I can!

I feel pretty good. Ish. And mainly feel really run down and just a tad bit nauseous with a side of the runs...I'm hoping the mouth pain and sores stay away and so do the jaw and joint pain and the horrible sleepless nights (I did however get sleep aide this time, so yay!)

We'll see!

Port accessed and ready to use!

Here I was undergoing treatment number 2!

Times change (Chemo 1a, day 14)

"Times change and so must I. We all change when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s ok, that’s good, as long as you keep moving, as long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me."

 

This is what Matt Smith said right before the 11th Doctor regenerated into the 12th. This quote really means something to me in that times HAVE changed and I have had to adjust accordingly. I have been diagnosed with cancer and even though that sucks, I have to keep going fighting this thing. I will never forget who I was before this journey began, and I certainly won't forget this part of my life and the lessons it taught me....no matter who I become afterwards.