Yesterday was good! (Chemo 2a, days 1&2)

So yesterday was chemo number 3, or the beginning of round two, however you may look at it. It went...okay! It was my 33rd birthday, and I have had a really really rough time lately dealing with the mucousitis. I haven't been able to eat much anything solid going on 5 days now and the pain was starting to get to me psychologically. Big time. But today, I have not had a Vicodin in 17 odd hours and I still can't eat solid food, but I'm thinking the steroids I am given pre chemo helped me yesterday and today? I'm not sure, but I'll take it for whatever it's worth! I can honestly say that I had a pretty decent birthday even! :) 

My oncologist really gets on my nerves with his lack of bedside manner. He had a resident come in and do an examination on me regarding the awful mouth sores I have because he wanted to see if an antiviral medication was needed (it was)...he told me I would only see him every four weeks now and that on the alternating weeks where I got chemo but didn't see him, I would have my blood counts checked at the infusion center.  My blood counts were low yesterday, but okay and chemo went fairly smoothly except for the fact that I was exhausted and HIGhLY irritable and was dreading the fact that I had ANOTHER appointment with my general practitioner after chemo was done, but thankfully her office is in same hospital as the cancer center so it all worked out pretty well. At that appointment, she had me talk to a fourth year med student before she came in, he examined my lymph nodes and scared me by saying that he felt a "significant difference between the right and left side" grrr! My own oncologist won't even feel them because we both physically can tell the difference in appearance in my neck, chest, and armpit. I have a PET scan scheduled for Febuaray 17th to see how the cancer is responding to treatment. He is hoping to see significant improvement to no evidence of disease...(but will have to continue with the scheduled treatment no matter how good it looks...just the way it is...by then I'll have 8 chemo's left to do and my 5 weeks of radiation still) I am so nervous but optimistic of seeing at least improvement on this upcoming scan because of what is physically noticeable. I just want to continue on with the rest of my treatment knowing that it's working and that I am kicking this cancer in the ass! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I feel like I have already been through so much...I can't imagine what it'll be like for me to learn that we may have to try something different if this chemotherapy isn't working. It's a scary thought I don't like thinking! 

I was prescribed more medication yesterday for potassium, sleep, my muscle spasms, ,(due to my CP, not my HL) and my antiviral medication...this is all on top of the pain meds, magic mouthwash, anti nausea meds, vitamin d, and the regular OTC stuff I take. It's hard to keep straight, but I'm thinking of investing in a pill case like my grandma uses that has different compartments for different times of the day. 

I'll do what I have to do for as long as I have to do it! 

I was feeling pretty bad here, but was keeping on keeping on! My hoodie (given to me by a survivor) says "fight like a girl" I love it!!

The swelling in my face and neck (and chest and armpit) are gone! Bite me, mr med student...my pet scan is going to be beautiful!

Feeling feelings (chemo 1b, day 23)

My hair is gone. Even though I knew it was coming and inevitable, I'm sad tonight that it's gone. I look in the mirror and no longer recognize the face looking back at me...my fun hair is gone, my piercings are gone, my body is changing, and it's all because of cancer. Even though I say that it does not define who I am or control my life, if I'm being truthful...it has. I am reminded constantly that cancer has entered my life, and I'm pissed off. It's not fair and I want it gone and far away from me. 

I'll get over this, I know...my hair will grow back, and one day I hope to live cancer free. My wish is to take what this has taught me about appreciating life and the people in it and to help someone else going through it too....tonight it's just hard to see the end of this bad dream but I know it's coming. It will.

Staying strong? (Chemo 1b, day 23)

Today I'm going to rant. I'm sick of this crap already only two treatments in. I have zero appetite, my muscles hurt (pain like I've never had before...even with my issues regarding my CP), nausea, and mouth sores...I have emotional issues where I'm either an irritable ball of nerves or I'm weeping over silly stuff that normally wouldn't have phased my world. My hair is falling out to the point where my hair is so thin that you can see my scalp in places and I'm getting ready to shave it down to nothing even though I'm nervous about how I'm going to feel being bald. My body is feeling the chemo this time, that's for sure.

 Even though I know intentions are well meaning, Today I'm pissed off that I hear "stay strong" ...Stay strong you say? What does staying strong look like? I'm doing what I have to do and what most people would do in my position at my age...you keep going. I go to my treatments, deal with side effects,  and attempt to live my life as normally as I am able to. But who wouldn't?! I have days where I'm so scared and frightened about not yet being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and then I have days where I feel like I can kick this cancer crap with no problem. I'm the girl who would never take antibiotics and now I'm willingly getting chemotherapy treatment knowing very well what kind of drugs are entering my body. I do not feel strong nor do I feel awesome...I'm just doing what I have to do to be able to live out my life. It sucks, but this was in my cards and I'm playing out my hand sometimes showing my best poker face, sometimes not...I'm just me. ...dealing with cancer and some days are easier than others and some situations suck more than others...it's the way it is and I'm doing the best I can-for whatever it may be worth.

Exhaustion (Chemo 1b, day 18)

I am exhausted. Every physical task I take on seems daunting...and even just talking seems like an extraordinary task. It's 3 days post chemo...my stomach hurts, my eyelids are heavy, my mouth feels like I'm chewing on razor blades, and I'm far too emotional for my liking. Even though I seem to be doing better with this treatment, it is so hard for me to cope on days like today..where I actually "feel sick", and not like myself. I hate needing someone to help me do things that I've always done for myself. I hate being grumpy or short tempered...basically, I hate chemo and I hate cancer for making me feel this way today. 

Another treatment done! (Chemo 1b, day 16)

 Update on yesterday:  Well, another treatment of ABVD bites the dust and I've officially completed one round of chemotherapy, leaving me with 5 more rounds and 10 treatments. They almost didn't do the treatment yesterday right away because of my blood counts were super low and said I just barely slipped by without needing a blood transfusion because of my hemoglobin count (I think)...my potassium count was almost nonexistent too, so I got lectured on that and the importance of potassium rich foods in my diet, so more banannas for me! I also lost a lot of weight which they weren't thrilled about, but whatever...I really am eating when I can the best I can!

I feel pretty good. Ish. And mainly feel really run down and just a tad bit nauseous with a side of the runs...I'm hoping the mouth pain and sores stay away and so do the jaw and joint pain and the horrible sleepless nights (I did however get sleep aide this time, so yay!)

We'll see!

Port accessed and ready to use!

Here I was undergoing treatment number 2!

Times change (Chemo 1a, day 14)

"Times change and so must I. We all change when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s ok, that’s good, as long as you keep moving, as long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me."

 

This is what Matt Smith said right before the 11th Doctor regenerated into the 12th. This quote really means something to me in that times HAVE changed and I have had to adjust accordingly. I have been diagnosed with cancer and even though that sucks, I have to keep going fighting this thing. I will never forget who I was before this journey began, and I certainly won't forget this part of my life and the lessons it taught me....no matter who I become afterwards.

My new hair!

My hair finally is shaved down! It started falling out pretty steadily for the last two days (body hair included...even eyebrows!) And even though my original plan was to shave it down to the scalp...I just couldn't and figured I would wait and see how this next treatment goes and see how it continues to fall out...

Living life (Chemo #1a, day 13)

Today, I feel  like normal Jenn. I feel like me. I can eat, drink, sleep, and enjoy the normal activities I normally enjoy.
Today I don't feel like a cancer patient.
I'm trying not to think too much about Thursday's infusion, but it's hard because I literally get reminded every few minutes by a post on facebook, text from a friend, a commercial on tv...it's hard not to think about cancer when cancer has pretty much been the center of your life for x amount of months and it changes the way you live life and puts a lot of things on hold and/or on the back burner. I am living my life as best as I can....with cancer...but I will never let it define who I am and where I'm going. This time next year, my cancer will be only a memory and a reminder that I am stronger than I ever thought imaginable.

Thankful (Chemo 1a, day 10)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUVWzvFYk0k&feature=share

It's amazing and rare I think, when you find a person out there who shares a similar story to yours and when you have the opportunity to actually know this person and learn from their experiences and to find strength in their strength ....well, it's quite an extraordinary gift that I'm quite thankful for.

She...who shall remain nameless for now...sent me the link to the song above. The lyrics struck a chord in me...as it did her. Not only does the song mean something to me, but it means a lot to have another human being know EXACTLY how you feel  without asking too many questions. I have cancer, and yes...my friends and family have for the most part, been terrific but there is only so much that they can understand and only so much comfort they can give. I am sad that she had to experience what I'm experiencing now, but so very grateful that she overcame it all and decided to reach out to a stranger and offer words of comfort and experience and offer time and comfort to me when I needed it the most.

So, in the midst of my sleepless nights, pain, and other wonderful chemo things...I say thank you. <3

Sleepless in KY (Chemo 1a, day 8)

I'm tired. I haven't slept since Saturday. My joints hurt...all of them.

I'm trying to stay positive. My mouth no longer hurts and I have a decent appetite.

I had my first treatment of ABVD a week ago today and yesterday as I looked in the mirror I noticed that the severe swelling in my face and neck is almost gone! Is this the chemo already working?!  Could it be?! The swelling under my arm has not gone down as much, but my face almost looks as it did before this whole journey began...now I've heard of this happening after 2nd or 3rd treatment, but never the first.....I'll take it though!

 

..... the pain and sleepless nights will prove to be worth it in the end :D